People always find this weird but yes I do have female crushes. I am not lesbian but there is nothing wrong with appreciating the hard work and greatness of another woman.
I wrote an article once, on my obsession with Rihanna but today this will be about Gabrielle Union and her recently published book We are Going to Need More Wine.
I am not going to give a review of the book but there is a section that really caught my attention. I fell in love with Gabrielle in Being Mary Jane, I felt I related so much to her character and saw myself in the ups and downs of Mary Jane.
In chapter 11 of her book she gives a prescription for a break up. She offers an easy-to follow syllabus and wine list which I will outline.
People deal with break ups differently but this could be an idea:
PRO TIP: WATCH SPLENDOR IN THE GRASS
Shot in luscious Technicolor, Splendor in the Grass is Warren Beatty’s first film
and one of Natalie Wood’s best. She plays Deanie, a pre-Depression Kansas girl
who understandably falls in lust and love with Warren’s Bud. He loves her, too,
but has sex with been-there-done-that Juanita instead. Deanie wants to have sex
with Bud so badly that repressing the desire drives her insane.
I needed Splendor in the Grass to help get me through my first, and
perhaps worst, breakup. Only then was I able to fully understand Deanie and feel
PRO TIP: WATCH WAITING TO EXHALE AND LIVE IN THE
This is for when things get really messy, as they did for me in my early twenties
when I couldn’t wait for my Greek-Mexican beauty school dropout to break up
with me, and then would do anything to get him back.
In Waiting to Exhale. Angela Bassett plays Bernadine, who sets her husband’s car ablaze, lamenting all the times she put him first, making herself the background to his foreground. She didn’t pay for his beauty school, but she did become his secretary. It’s the scene that created the term “Angela Bassett moment,” an epic declaration of self worth that I wanted for my mother and for everyone who realizes they got
played. As I watch, I start screaming, and I can do every word. “But the worst,
oh the fucking worst,” she says, ripping his clothes out of his closet, only to later
light the cigarette that will set them and his car ablaze.
It’s the moment where you reclaim your sanity by going insane, the burst of
clarity that comes with blind rage. So, let Angela have it for you, breathe in the
smoke from the car, and move on with her out of the bushes.
PRO TIP: GIVE YOURSELF THE FULL TINA TURNER EXPERIENCE
What’s Love Got to Do With It is, of course, based on Tina Turner’s memoir, I,
Tina. I prescribe the Tina combo when you just want the pain to be over. You are
about done with the nutty, even though it was supposed to be over months ago,
and your instinct for independence needs a shot in the arm.
Watch Angela Bassett play Tina finding that fire within her to go from her lowest to being Tina freaking Turner. She tells a divorce judge that she doesn’t need anything else but freedom and her name. “I’ll give up all that other stuff, but only if I get to keep
my name,” she says defiantly. “I’ve worked too hard for it, Your Honor.”
Cut to me watching it for the fifteenth time, screaming, “Goddammit, give
me my name! I just want my name.” When I had my divorce, I went back and
watched Tina. I still had my name.
PRO TIP: CUSHION THE BLOW WITH SOMEONE ELSE’S BODY
It’s always beneficial in a breakup to have somebody else lined up. I really like
to move right in and have a Plan B, C, D, and E in place before Plan A has
As you go about this, your best game is honesty. Tell Plan B exactly where
your head is at. “Do you want to be here? Yea or nay?” I don’t even say, “This is
a rebound.” Don’t even put that much weight on it. It’s just fun. Tell them it’s
like hooking up with someone on vacation. Staycation sex.
It’s on them if they think they can change the situation between you to create
a lasting arrangement. Let them try, but at least you were very clear about your
motivation from the start.
As you refocus your energy on someone else’s privates, you save yourself
the drudgery of going over in your mind what went wrong. Bitch, you know
what went wrong. Unless this is your first guy, you’re not that clueless. By your
early to mid-twenties, you’ve been through this a few times, so you gotta know
there’s a common denominator in these equations—and it’s you. I, like many
women, know what the hell is wrong with me. Whether we choose to do
something about it remains to be seen.
I know a lot of people talk about closure, “giving yourself time to mourn.”
Ehhh. Let’s not play these games. I think the whole “pussy moratorium” thing is
just some puritanical garbage to keep women chaste. I see it all the time in
Hollywood. After the end of a relationship, an actress or famous woman has to
publicly announce that her legs will be closed until further notice.
Like some exorcist has to come in to flush out the demons from her vagina. Potential
suitors, please wait until the little old lady from Poltergeist comes out and says, “THIS HOUSE IS CLEAN!” You will hear, “You really need to work on yourself before you jump right into something else.” Oh, please, who’s got that kind of time? I got shit to do.
I’m trying to work, I’m trying to get home to watch Scandal, and I’m trying to
get it in. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow, and here I am using this time to work
By the way, you can work on yourself and still have sex with someone at the
same time. Or at least around the same time. Your pussy and brain don’t have to
take turns. Besides, there’s a bunch of hours in the day. You can actually get to
therapy and go on a date on the same day.
Bonus Pro-tip: Booze Pairings to Heal Heartache
I will keep this short in case you are already reading this book at a bar. There
are only two options for drinking your pain away after a breakup: red wine or
tequila. Never mix, never worry.
Choose red wine if you’d like a warm hug and maybe a nap. A Malbec is that
slightly bitter pal who rallies to say, “There, there, we’ll get through this.” A
Cabernet is a model of efficiency, drinkable with a high alcohol content. With all
of its varied flavors, Pinot is the one who’ll encourage you to keep a sense of
But if you want to skip all that and just get to the point where you fuck one
of his friends? You go tequila all the way. I prescribe straight, no chaser.
Either way, first round is on me.
Long, I know but worth it. I did not put in everything but what I felt was relevant with the subject.
Grab yourself a copy of We Are Going to Need More Wine and indulge yourself in this exciting and educating piece.