Who Should Support the Woman?

With the elections coming up women have been all over social media about attaining 50/50 representation in parliament and other spheres of life where they felt they have been sidelined.

The only way women can achieve this gender equality is by supporting each other, uplifting each other. A lot has been said about women being their own enemies, acting like they support each other but from the inside dying that you fail.

If you’ve ever had another woman tell you how to behave in a certain situation so you don’t upset a man in power, or you’ve ever been disciplined or admonished by another woman for doing that something that offends a man in a position of power, then you know what I am talking about.

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Last week social media went ablaze with Homecoming Bira concert and women felt they had been sidelined from  performing at Dr Mapfumo’s show as there was no female on the line up.

Tendai Chakanyuka posted on her facebook page “Are you saying there is not a single female artist that could have made it on the “welcome bira” line up? Zvoreveyi? Been observing quietly haaaaaangu and ima demand answers right about now. Tiri kumbotii chaizvo,” a lot was said after ,mostly shade at women insinuating that there isn’t a woman as good as Mukanya or even close.

However after taking to social media and radio, Diana Samkange was included as a supporting act for concert.

After going through that thread and reflecting on past major concerts I realized there are quiet a few were the line up did not include a female for example the recent 30 billion concert.

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So I thought to myself, women don’t have to fight to be part of these concerts were they feel they are being excluded. Have any of them called out for an all females concert and no one attended? What are we as women doing in our spaces to support each other?

If promoters continue to uplift men clearly they are supporting each other, why do we need to fit into their space? Mother’s Day is coming up, this could be an idea to have concerts, shows, book clubs, teas whatever to just gather as women.

Imagine Edith WeUtonga, Hope Masike, Selmor Mutukudzi, Cindy, Diana Samakange, Ammara Brown all performing together with an all woman band,that would be amazing. Already that’s marketing and there would not be any need to fight to be part of major shows.

Hope Masike said we all need advocate for level playing fields everywhere, women need to start creating their own platforms be it festivals or soccer.

Women hold the key to the new order they consider fair for all.

One of the things I find most inspiring is women openly supporting and lifting each other up. With so many obstacles on the road to gender equality, we don’t need to create another one by getting in our own way despite our culture’s nasty habit of trying to pit us against each other.

We can do better as women, understand each other, our weaknesses to move toward equal rights…My two cents.

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Here are a few quotes to inspire women:

Maya Angelou: Writer & Activist

“I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life’s a bitch. You’ve got to go out and kick ass.”

Lupita Nyong’o: Actor and Activist

“I hope that my presence on your screen, and my face in magazines may lead you young girls on a beautiful journey, that you will feel validation of your external beauty, but also get to the deeper business of being beautiful inside.”

Melinda Gates: Philanthropist

“A woman with a voice is, by definition, a strong woman.”

Gloria Vanderbilt

“I have always believed that one woman’s success is can only help another woman’s success.”

#BlogIndaba

 

 

 

 

 

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My Obsession With Rihanna

 

Almost everyone has a celeb crush, role model etc and today I decided to blog about my obsession with ‘Riri’ Rihanna.

Growing I loved Beyonce, I sang along to every track and my bedroom had a corner just for her pictures or then they were posters. But as time went on I began falling in love with Rihanna.

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Now here is why:

  • First things first, Rihanna has an I don’t care attitude and lives her life the way she wants to. From smoking the blunt, to showing her tits, the way she dances, she really does not care in short she does not give a f*!k.

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  • She has a caring heart, she has built a clinic in Barbados, donated to children in terms of education, healthcare and arts.
  • She is funny.
  • I relate to her music, Its hi chilled music, nursing a heartbreak, getting over him or clubbing its just all good dope music.
  • She has the biggest hits-  Unfaithful,Umbrella, Don’t Stop the Music, Disturbia, Take a Bow, Kiss It Better, What Now, Love on the brain; there are so many the list is endless.
  • She is Rebellious
  • I love her live performances, many think she is not good on stage but she is natural and really know how to carry herself. The vocals are good too.

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The Day She Gave It Up

Growing up Rutendo always imagined the day she would give it up. Her family was not like other traditional families where you are lectured left right and center about sex, yes she was told to close her legs until marriage but that did not stop her from thinking about the day whenever that would have been

However she never pictured it the way sex is portrayed in movies. It never seemed okay her to be naked with a boy rather she imagined doing it in the dark with clothes on, I don’t how that would happen but in her mind it worked.

Rutendo never felt the need to give up her virginity to any of the guys in the school or her neighborhood, she was quite ambitious when it came to the boys she would date. She was not ready, emotionally and physically and that’s how she managed keeping it till she was done with her Ordinary level.

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If a girl can ever feel the pressure of having sex is when her best friend is doing it and is told every detail, book, chapter and verse. Honestly what is a virgin supposed to do with so much detail? This was Rutendo’s case, Chipo her best friend broke her virginity when she was fifteen. She sugar coated the event and made it sound like it was not as painful at all.

Fast forward to when Rutendo was dating a macho, robust colored 23 year old. In high school during her time  dating a colored boy made one a hero and that’s how she felt. All was flowery and picture perfect until the day he asked for sex.

Being the innocent unready innocent girl Rutendo was she refused and don’t think this pushed the boy away, he stuck around and she fell deeper in love with him.

Two weeks right after the exams Rutendo was invited to his house and she did not hesitate going.

 

He’s bedroom was not cosy, bed was not made, play station on the desk and of course a radio. Immediately they started making out and he did not take any time to remove her clothes, she could feel he’s rock hard penis on her thighs and did not know or actually had no idea of where or what to touch.

 

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At that moment everything Chipo had vividly explained to her, she could not remember. He put on the condom and that point she was completely naked, did not know which was part of her body to cover or just to close her eyes.

She wanted to say no but remained tight lipped, until he forcefully slid it in, she did not scream but after three strokes told him to stop as blood flowed down her thighs. She quickly dressed up and asked to go home.

So the first time was different from Rutendo, she thought she would wail like a baby and limp all the way home but she was perfectly fine besides thinking that everyone around her knew what she had done.

Now the drama for her happened the second time, this was two weeks after the first time. It was not as easy for him to penetrate and hurt more than the first time. After a few strokes, her body was numb and her eyes were losing focus. She did not understand what was happening to her body, to make things worse her thumb was stuck in her palm and not moving at all. She thought she was having a stroke. What would she tell her mother, how would she explain it?

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She quickly tapped him to stop, they both tried to move her thumb to no avail. They sat on the bed naked confused on what to do. After 10 minutes her body recovered from the numbness and shivering. Again she dressed up and went home.

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After years of research, sampling and multiple discussions with other women that’s when she learnt that the numbness, the intense build up of tension in her body was her first experience of an orgasm. Pretty much she still counts the second time as the actual time she lost her virginity.

The World Can be Cruel

The world can be so cruel and ugly; people get depressed and get drunk,

To this day from the things I have seen and the things I have experienced anyone is capable of doing the most cruel things to you all leading back to how ugly the world can be,

True say, the apple does not fall far from the tree; the people you think are the closest to you are actually the worst,

The trust you have in them is what they see as weapon to use against you

You get to a point you question the real meaning behind I Love You,

At this point I’m confused and think it just comes with hate, greed and deceit,

Can people be really pure and honest?

Can people really love endlessly and unconditionally?

Is that even possible?

I’m scared; the most dangerous things on this earth are human beings,

There is nothing beyond that, its game all about using each other

For me love should be crystal clear and have no doubts at all about anyone,

A few things have opened my eyes,

Life is a trailer disappointments with brief commercials of happiness

May I not be blinded, I refuse !

However life is short, anything can happen to you or anyone unexpectedly,

When you have that one person that makes your heart do back flips and give you

that pain in the stomach, tell them now how you feel than to regret it…Relationship-difficulties-640x426

Valentine’s and Singles

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Everyone sets their expectations way too high for the 14th of February and some end up getting disappointed. It’s sad for those who are single and even sadder for those in relationships and have those partners who do not celebrate valentine’s for many unknown reasons. It is the worst for the Catholics this year as it will be Ash Wednesday.

Having to explain that you’re single on Valentine’s Day is almost worse than actually being single on Valentine’s Day. Sure, everyone around you is coupled off, but who says you have to hide away in shame just because you aren’t dating someone?

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This is my 5th year single on Valentine’s day. I do not know if I should say I’m already used to it now but there is just some unnecessary pressure that comes with being single on Valentine’s day. I actually almost gave in to a boy that had been asking me out for months just so I could be spoiled, but I remembered my worth. I constantly remind myself not to allow loneliness to lower my standards.

Instead of being depressed and getting jealous about other women being spoilt rotten on the day, I have decided to treat myself, because I don’t have someone to do it for me doesn’t mean that the day can’t be special.

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First things first I have that one single friend that I rub shoulders with and comfort each other on waiting on the right one, she will be my date. Go on a date together, have dinner ,wine, watch a movie drinking more wine. I spend the rest of the day at work so really there won’t be much activity. But I also want to buy myself a gift, do cocktails go out, there are so many things one can do instead of sleeping and feeling like the world is against you. Here are some suggestions :

Focus On All The Great Things In Your Life

Indulge In Something You Love

Buy A New Sex Toy

Flirt

Make Yourself A Fancy Dinner

Just Ignore It

Remember the good things about being single

Have a Spa day

Eat

Watch how to be single

Do not be miserable, there are so many things you can do for yourself to feel as special. Keep in mind that Thursday is working day too, lol…

 

The Drug That Confuses…

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After eight years of drinking I have come to the conclusion that alcohol is confusing, there are always two things involved after drinking. Either you are very happy or by the time the night ends you are embarrassed.

People drink for different reasons, occasions and still that same drug somehow ignites feelings in line with the moment.

There are different types of drinkers and a drinker should know the category they fall under and the amount they can take.

When the term “high-functioning alcoholic” is mentioned, various types of drinkers often begin to question their own drinking and worry if they fall into this category. Part of this confusion is that many individuals are unclear about the differences in characteristics of social drinkers, problem drinkers and alcoholics. There is also a lack of awareness of what the true warning signs of alcoholism are.

Social drinkers are those individuals who drink in low-risk patterns. According to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA), “low-risk” drinking for females consists of no more than 7 drinks per week and no more than 3 drinks per sitting. For males, it consists of no more than 14 drinks per week and no more than 4 drinks per day.

Problem drinkers display clear differences between their drinking habits and those of alcoholics. In fact, according to the NIAAA, 72% of people have a single period of heavy drinking that lasts 3-4 years and peaks at ages 18-24 (typically occurs during the college years) that they phase out of. When problem drinkers are given sufficient reason to cut back on their drinking (ie, have a negative drinking consequence, debilitating hangover, becomes a parent), they are able to self-correct and return to drinking in a low-risk manner.

In contrast, alcoholics may be given countless reasons to cut back on their drinking but they are unable to permanently cut back on their drinking. Alcoholics may have occasions where they drank in a low-risk manner, but they inevitably return to their alcoholic drinking patterns.

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Alcohol makes us feel good just for the moment, after that its a complete different story.

People often get very confident and bold when tipsy. There is a very common statement that goes “A drunk mind speaks a sober heart” by Jean-Jaques Rousseau who supposedly said it quite drunk himself and from experience, movies, books drunk talk is real talk. This were people get offload all that they have been holding in and not able to say for a long time.

This is where someone even tells their crush the open truth and tomorrow you probably don’t remember a thing or actually do have an idea but not the full details, confusing right?

The idea is that when we are drunk we lose our inhibitions and allow ourselves to verbalize our true thoughts and feelings, bringing our true personality traits to light. Sober thoughts turn to drunk thoughts, and drunk thoughts turn to drunk actions.

A great many people believe it rings true. In fact, in Chinese business culture, it is believed so strongly that potential business partners are all but forced to get drunk together before any major deals take place. Plenty of friendships have been destroyed and plenty of relationships have been ruined because of something said while drunk.

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But the question now is, should we take people’s drunken behavior as their true character?

According to bigthink.com, The person that somebody is when drunk has something to do with who they are when sober. But, everybody knows that there are things that they have a tendency for saying and doing drunk, which things they were neither inclined nor capable of doing sober.

History says no.

On his conquest, Alexander the Great held a drinking contest among his soldiers. When it was over, 42 people had died from alcohol poisoning. It was not the intention of anyone’s “sober heart” to have several dozen people enthusiastically poison themselves to death.

Neuroscience says no.

If you’re drunk, it may feel like your personality has undergone a dramatic shift. But as a team of scientists from the University of Missouri recently found, sober observers of drunk people don’t report such a shift.

There is a reason why science and law dictate that drunk people cannot give informed consent. The way alcohol affects the brain is complicated and understood by science to a shockingly small degree. What we do know is that alcohol affects the Hippocampus (memory center), which is why we black out, the motor cortex, which is why we stumble, and the neofrontal cortex. That last one is the part of the brain most responsible for reasoning and judgment and all of that other high fallutin’ stuff that Homo Sapiens are especially good at.

The fact is that drunkenness is not a passive process. It does not simply tear down our inhibitions and let loose desires that were already there. It is an active chemical process, counter-intuitively fitting the definitions of “stimulant” and “depressant”. It changes nearly every part of our brain. Since our brain is who we are, alcohol does not simply let out our true, unchanged selves. It changes who we are.

Alcohol makes us happy, woozy, enthusiastic, gregarious and loud. In some cases, an affable friend may become a mean drunk. It is a complicated drug with all sorts of good and bad effects. But it does not make us genuine. It just makes us dumb.

https://bigthink.com/the-proverbial-skeptic/a-drunk-mind-speaks-a-sober-heart-really

However I think I like tipsy me more, somehow you just feel free and happy. My uncle always says if only humans could function effectively tipsy he would be drinking everyday.

What do you think? Is the Drunk you the real you?

 

 

 

Why Are Women more Tolerant Than Men?

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Often when relationships go wrong it is difficult to let go and even harder for women. It’s also sad to note that women stay in toxic relationship for the longest time and take forever to reach that awareness stage.

From past experiences I have noticed that most of the times I am in denial of a situation until I am fed up and cannot take it anymore. There is that stage were you say you are done and find yourself falling for that apology, YES? and that mistake is done again and you are told it’s a mistake but you know second time is intent but you still fall for it by the way after saying you are done again, YES, NO, MAYBE?

We put ourselves through so much trouble of thinking, writing, listening to sad music, blocking and unblocking, deleting pictures, thread messages like a whole lots of shit but the end result is you are not done yet.

Truth of the matter is women have such a high tolerance, we were built to be patient and give things time, we are hopeful and always see the light at the end of the tunnel that we end up not seeing.

Often people tell you to let go and it’s annoying right? Letting go isn’t that straight forward.

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According to the hyper sensitive:

1. A sense of “things shouldn’t be this way”.

You’re right that they shouldn’t.  Yet, is your sense of indignation keeping you from accepting that -so far- they are this way?

It’s only when you can fully see and feel things for what they are, that you gain the insight necessary to not have them be this way in the future (within limits, of course).

We HSPs often have a strong sense of justice. Know that this helps us create better situations.

From what I learnt, when you are done you don’t say a word, you don’t do anything, you are just done ! Women will wait hoping for change but when she decides to leave prepare to lose her because she will be gone forever.

When the sense of injustice is overwhelming, trust that there is a reason why this happened to you. One day, you’ll be able to see the true “gift” amidst the mess. Until then, you’ll need to trust that a divine and supportive logic is at work here.

2. It’s not just “your stuff” that needs letting go of.

If you’re an empath, then your own experiences (feelings, thoughts, response patterns) will tend to be enmeshed with those of other people. This can make letting go incredibly hard. A different process is needed for letting go of our own stuff as opposed to letting go of others people’s stuff. (take a look at the empath programme if you want specific “learn it once and for all” help with that)

3. A sense of guilt.

When we deeply believe that we somehow deserve painful experiences then it will be very hard to let go. The solution then lies in working with the underlying guilt itself. This guilt is often rooted in our inner logic around “why bad stuff happens”

4. Trouble identifying the core issue.

It can be hard to track down those places where something hurt us the most. Our story about what we believe happened to us can get in the way of finding out what actually happened to us. Insights usually come in steps. If you can’t seem to let go and you think you know exactly how things affected you, then allow yourself to go deeper. Ask: what is the unfamiliar pain underneath the familiar pain? A good way to do this is to notice where you feel the pain of the experience in your body. Then put your hands on that area and ask questions, allowing yourself to uncover and experience what is underneath. If you’re afraid to do this on your own then ask a coach or healer/therapist to help you (that’s what they’re for!).

5. Wanting all the answers.

Sometimes, our brain keeps coming back to the issue because something about it doesn’t make sense. If this is the case, get clear about the question that you want answered. It’s often the “hidden”questions that keep us stuck. When we don’t know what we’re looking for, then we won’t find it. Yet if the urge for answers is strong enough, we’ll keep looking. So, ask yourself what you want to know most. What are you trying to work out and understand? A great way to get clarity is to talk to someone about it or do some writing about it. The act of talking or writing itself often creates a new sense of clarity about what is really at stake.

However what I learnt from my past experiences is when you are done and have reached the awareness stage you do not put yourself through the drama of  blocking someone, putting up statuses, telling them you are done, you are just quiet. Your silence will send the message because you do not have energy for shit anymore, like you are DONE ! and when you see that person nothing about you is moved then you know you have won.

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When a woman decides that she is done, be prepared to lose her because once she is gone, she is gone forever.

This is something men need to learn about, this business of realizing her worth when she is gone should stop.

What is blinding you from seeing her importance when she is there and embracing it.

My two cents, feelings should not be messed around with.