Is There An Ideal Set Up For A First Date?

Funny story, I have never really gone out on a ‘first’ date but I strongly feel I should point out how my first date should be like.

Relationships are very scary for me, I have gone through quite a lot with men, been led on and left in the cold stranded. My body and privacy has been invaded by men who had no long term plans with me after making me believe or see things that way.

So I sat down and thought to myself, why is it I meet almost the same type of men.

In college I was quite the party animal and looking back I realized most of the men I hooked up with where people I met in the club or somewhere drinking.

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In some instances I was hooked up with people who were already in relationships, serious ones too because they thought I was that ‘girl’ comfortable doing another woman’s nigga (Sad).

None of them took me on a real date. I always envied and still do, women that have been taken to the movies, lunch, dinner; the cute picnics etc because no one has ever done that for me.

It got to a point where almost everyone I hooked up with wanted me at his house. I got sick of it and pulled the plug.

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It’s been two months since I moved out of my uncle’s house (Gosh he knows I miss him) and I have guys blow up my phone for sleepovers, I’m not doing that, I love my privacy and there are steps taken to get to that level.

How does someone that has not met you in person want to come to your house, after 6 PM and sleep over? I am not very strong on morals but in this case, it is morally wrong, in every sense.

Now someone will say you are thinking too much, people vibe in different ways but I would like to think there is an ideal set up for a first date.

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First dates are for getting to know each other better and deciding if you want to see this person again. In my opinion this is achieved in an outdoor setting where you can explore a whole lot of activities and not have you be the activity at the end of the night.

Secret admirers and fellow crushies take note, taking me to your house for the first time is a NO for me. Coming to my house for the first time before actually getting to know me is a big NO.

The last few years have taught me to be able to say no and someone is supposed to appreciate and respect that. In addition if you really want to pursue me that should not stop you from trying.

I want to feel special and see the effort someone is putting in wanting me and in my eyes your place or mine is not ideal for a first date.

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Signs He Is Disrespecting You

Three things build a strong relationship for me, RESPECT, TRUST and HONESTY. I have realized that most relationships crumble and one of these or all elements are lacking.

Respect is the most important in a relationship, well in my opinion. Finding that one person that really understands you and measures up in all aspects is more like looking for a needle in a haystack. As a result most people stick around in relationships where they are not respected.

I have had a fair share of disrespect from men and would like to think I am almost an expert now at leaving before it gets too late.

If anything, I want a man that will make me feel important and valued.

Life coach Jined Lamata says “There’s a common misconception that respect between romantic partners means control, meeting demands or subjugation, respect is synonymous with admiration for one another and the ability to understand that they see life differently than you.

“Seeing them for who they are and what their beliefs are rather than trying to mould them into what we think they should be. Respect is celebrating each other’s differences and each other’s potential for growth without imposing our own beliefs.

“I always say, when you choose a partner, you’re gaining a new set of eyes to see the world. Having respect in a relationship is the ability to understand that perspective!”

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Long lasting relationships are not just about love but a mutual foundation of respect is a must.  Both partners should feel equal in every aspect and here are some of the signs you should see when he begins disrespecting you:

  • If you feel like he is not respecting, then he is. Do not doubt or start thinking you are asking for too much.
  • When you begin feeling like he does not care about you, then he is acting that way.
  • Belittlement, he is forever judging and criticizing you. It almost feels like you are not good enough and do not measure up to his standards.
  • He does not listen to you. If you often feel like your partner is only kinda-sorta listening to you, that’s a sign that they don’t respect you enough to give you their undivided attention, even when you really need it. He is only attentive when its about him.
  • You have caught him lying. Honesty comes hand in glove with respect. Whether its a blue or white lie its still disrespect.
  • He does not prioritize you. You are the last on his mind and do not play a significant role in his life. If your partner seems not to care about making or keeping plans with you, that’s a major show of disrespect.
  • He feels comfortable flirting or cat calling other women in your presence then he does not respect you. When you confront him about it, he simply puts it out as a joke.
  • With a disrespectful guy, you will never be right.
  • Without respect he won’t care about how his words make you feel. His mouth will just run uncontrollably.

Relationships that lack respect will not grow and are doomed for failure. If he doesn’t respect you, respect yourself and walk away.

What Women Hate About Monthly Periods

Periods are the worst days of the month, given the power to change something I am sure this the one thing I would change about being a woman.

I was twelve when my period came. I never got the sex lecture mothers give their daughters if you sleep with a boy you will fall pregnant. I somewhat figured out everything on my own, how to use the pad, how to sit and what to wear when it’s that time of the month. Yes you actually have to be careful with the choice of clothes in case you leak, black is always safe to mourn the six day flow.

Now, do women hate their period? Hell yea and here is why:

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Cravings

I get serious cravings before, during and after my period. I normally have a sweet tooth though and that’s when I know we are getting there.

Breast Changes

Till this day I think I am the only one with breasts that become excruciatingly painful. Everyone else I ask confirms the itchiness and tenderness but the pain no. My breasts become painful two weeks before the period even comes, I can’t lie flat or sideways. This goes on for six days during the period too.

Mood Swings

You can just switch from 100 to 0 without even realizing it. One moment you are happy and the next you are throwing things all over the place. I can be highly emotional, feel very sad or want to cry over things I know I would have not shed a tear for were it a normal day.

Highly irritable and prefer being alone.

Mastering Sitting/ Sleeping Positions

When on your period you do NOT just sit. You need to be sure your pad/ tampon is strategically positioned. You cannot sleep anyhow, sideways is usually comfortable for me but that’s after I have put on extra clothing just to be sure we are not waking up to a mess.

Heavy Flows

Heavy flows can just make life unbearable. Your period is what will be on your mind and nothing else. You sneeze, it splashes out, you cough another splash, take deep breath, man I won’t even finish this. One can change two maxi pads in an hour and in this harsh economy I wonder how women are holding up.

 

Whats-the-deal-with-PMS.jpgI asked a few women what they hate about their monthly cycles and this is what they had to say.

  • I am extremely horny when I am on my period. Its sad you actually cannot do anything about it.
  • You can’t even sneeze, when you do it feels like a pool of blood has come out of your vagina.
  • 1 week before the period, I get acne. 3 days before my period I get cramps, during the period I get migraine, I get dizzy, I get a little clumsy, It makes me nauseous and vomit. And after the period, I feel weak, and I get cramps.
  • The cramps are the worst during a working day. You don’t know whether to sit or walk around the office. You don’t want your feet on the floor.
  • The sanitary wear changing. Older women will tell you it’s natural,it’s yours but that shit is nasty as fuck. I gag a little every time I think about getting up to go change🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️ and the pain is shit too🤦🏽‍♀️ menstruation is just the worst man.
  • I cant stand the pain during the early stages of the process,😢its unbearable.
  • I have a running tummy and I go to the bathroom to take a dump like 5+ times on the first day. And I get massive cramps like a hacksaw is cutting through my lower tummy. At times I get sooo hot and sweat like crazy. First days can be hectic bruh.

After pouring my heart out like this, how can one not hate periods.

I am sure from now on, you will sympathize with your sisters, girlfriends, wives or friends during this time of the month.

 

Deep Inside Me: Untold Rape Story

It was exactly 2100 hours when Netsai dropped off by the local shops. The neighborhood was quiet, vendors had already packed up their stalls and the shops were closed. On that day even the men that stand outside the store, drinking and chatting had gone.

The kombi driver was so mean, refused to drop her off by the gate even though she had offered an extra dollar. Economy was tough and a dollar was really nothing, you could not even buy a loaf of bread or a decent lunch.

As the kombi sped off, Netsai put herself together, took a deep breath and began walking swiftly clutching onto her handbag as the night chill seeped through her blazer.

Something was not right, the road was empty and the silence was too loud, wind whispered through the branches and rustled the leaves. She could feel her heartbeat in her forehead, home had never been this far, felt like she would never get there.

From a distance she saw the glowing tip of a cigarette, so bright like a gas stove flame. This did not make her feel any better, the empty road was better than meeting up with strangers.

As she approached the corner where the men were standing which was five minutes from her house, two of the guys dropped their cigarette stubs, with a little bump in their step, they followed her.

Netsai walked faster, so did they. Without anticipating it she started running but she could hear them breathing from the back of her neck, he put his leg between hers and she tripped and fell.

He immediately covered her mouth with his hands that smelt like shit pulling out tape with the other one which he used to glue her lips together so no screaming would escape her mouth.  Netsai was kicking from all directions as they dragged her to a nearby bush.

She tried to scream and fight but only managed to tear his shirt, they were too strong for her. He literally threw her to the ground while the other one pressed her hands to the grit.

She lay there crying bitterly as there was nothing she could. Netsai watched him unbuckle his trousers, pull down his pants with his erect penis staring her right in the eye. He knelt down as if he was about to make love, lay on top of her reeking of cheap whiskey, smelling of cigarettes and stale sweat pushing her legs apart. So painful it was as he forcefully inserted his raw hard penis deep inside Netsai with his hairy chest rubbing all over her. She had never felt so much pain before.

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She cried through out the invasion of her body.  He pulled out and thought he was done to only have an exchange, it was the other’s one turn. She wanted to die at that point, staring at the moon that night was not blissful at all, two strange men were on top of her doing as they please.

When they were done, both of them looked at her as though nothing had happened and walked away.

Since that day life has never been the same for Netsai. She hates and blames herself for what occurred. Every night she sits in the corner of her bedroom, hugging her knees, crying profusely wishing if she could undo the events of that night.

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She did not tell anyone, who would she, how to begin the story. To this day Netsai cannot stand the sight of a man and the thought of having one on top of her makes her skin crawl. The image is forever stuck in her head.

Five Reasons I Don’t Like Sleeping In Other People’s Beds

Over the years I have to come to realize I don’t like sleep overs nor do I like people sleeping over. Maybe its because since I became independent I’ve had a single bed and having an extra human in that bed is complete torture.

I’m an open, accommodating person and like having people come over and I host but please go back to your house unless its an emergency or there is a valid reason.

The one thing I cherish is peaceful sleep and always avoid sleeping in other people’s beds.

Recently a friend called me over to chill, little did I know she had no plans of driving me back home, I was unhappy the whole time and she could see it. What she did not understand was why wanted to go back home, I have no TV, no baby to nurse but I still wanted to go home. Now here are the five reasons I prefer sleeping in my bed always:

  • I struggle falling asleep in a new bed and when I do the dreams are always unpleasant.
  • I want to be comfortable, spread my arms and lift my legs.
  • Honestly I don’t like holding in fart and its a struggle when you have someone over or vice versa.
  • I talk in my sleep, every time at someone’s house I pray to God that I do not utter a word in my sleep scared to reveal information meant to be between me, myself and I.
  • Waking up to making my way home/work. I hate that, firstly I don’t wake up at the time I usually do, secondly I have to move around with toiletries and extra clothes.

Unless I really have to sleep at your house, its never an option for me. My bed is the only place I can be truly myself and its always there for me at the end of crappy day.

Are Men Intimidated By Educated Women?

“We teach girls to shrink themselves,
to make themselves smaller.
We say to girls,
‘You can have ambition,
but not too much.
You should aim to be successful,
but not too successful.
Otherwise you will threaten the man.’
Because I am female,
I am expected to aspire to marriage.
I am expected to make my life choices
always keeping in mind that
marriage is the most important.
Now marriage can be a source of
joy and love and mutual support.
But why do we teach to aspire to marriage
and we don’t teach boys the same?
We raise girls to see each other as competitors —
not for jobs or for accomplishments,
which I think can be a good thing,
but for the attention of men.
We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings
in the way that boys are.
Feminist: the person who believes in the social,
political and economic equality of the sexes.” Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie


Where to begin; I have been watching the South African Soapie Scandal and there is a scene where Zinzile, a mother has been a house wife for the longest time finally finds a break through to go back to school in order to get a job at a day care. She does everything by the book, asks her husband for permission to study but he denies her the opportunity saying she is a house wife and that is solely her job.

In a last week’s episode he said “If I wanted to marry an educated woman I would have married one a long time ago. I wanted a respectful, humble and loving wife to make a family.”

This just brought out the feminist in me, there is more to life than making babies and cleaning the house as perceived in this episode.

 

How Do Men Feel About Educated Women

Carried out a survey in our office and the men had this to say:

  • So what happens is that most men feel that if they elevate or date a more educated woman than them she will take control of the relationship/ marriage.
  • Society has taught us that he/she who is perceived to be educated than the other, will always have more to say.
  • So as a man, you wouldn’t want to be controlled by a woman, again, this is what society has taught (men are not supposed to be below women patriarchy ) ,so the more a man elevates his woman, the more intimidated he will become.
  • You also know how birds of the same feather flock together hence an educated woman would then want to hang around people of her educational calibre. This creates insecurities in the man and that could be a problem going forward.

It almost feels like a lot of women are not bettering themselves in the name of submitting to their husbands and what they say. I have nothing against submission but I do not think one should feel like they are being abused and denied opportunities in life.

What do you think? Are men really intimidated by women? If so why?

#BlackWednesday A Flop?

 

Last week Zimbabwe lost an icon, a legend, man that was an inspiration to many. Oliver Mtukudzi’s death touched many and women united in wearing doeks and black trending under the hashtag #Dhuku4Tuku.

Social media was awash with images of women in black and doeks. If you were not wearing one last week you totally felt left out as it was a thing on that day.

The hashtag was trending for almost two days. So much energy  was invested in mourning the legend this way.

However on the day it was posted someone commented on a tweet, raising an issue that was also deserving of the same attention if not better.

Earlier this week women were supposed to go all black, no make up standing in solidarity with the women that were abused and raped in the recent disturbances that hit the country. I was excited about this, standing up for another sister. I was in all black but to my surprise the people that were moving with #BlackWednesday are those that have always been advocating for women’s rights/ empowerment and feminists. Only a few people took part.

It was trending on twitter for a day and its forgotten. I have so much respect for the late Oliver Mtukudzi but why wasn’t #BlackWednesday given the same energy and attention.

Rape is a serious issue that should not be taken lightly.  There is a lot to consider when it comes to dealing with victims of rape and if as a nation we could not unite in this one cause, what are we saying?

Rape is a crime and lets breaking the culture of silence around it. Those who should act, should do so effectively.

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