Gabrielle Union’s Prescription for a Break Up…

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People always find this weird but yes I do have female crushes. I am not lesbian but there is nothing wrong with appreciating the hard work and greatness of another woman.

I wrote an article once, on my obsession with Rihanna but today this will be about Gabrielle Union and her recently published book We are Going to Need More Wine.

I am not going to give a review of the book but there is a section that really caught my attention. I fell in love with Gabrielle in Being Mary Jane, I felt I related so much to her character and saw myself in the ups and downs of Mary Jane.

In chapter 11 of her book she gives a prescription for a break up. She offers an easy-to follow syllabus and wine list which I will outline.

People deal with break ups differently but this could be an idea:

PRO TIP: WATCH SPLENDOR IN THE GRASS

Shot in luscious Technicolor, Splendor in the Grass is Warren Beatty’s first film
and one of Natalie Wood’s best. She plays Deanie, a pre-Depression Kansas girl
who understandably falls in lust and love with Warren’s Bud. He loves her, too,
but has sex with been-there-done-that Juanita instead. Deanie wants to have sex
with Bud so badly that repressing the desire drives her insane.

I needed Splendor in the Grass to help get me through my first, and
perhaps worst, breakup. Only then was I able to fully understand Deanie and feel
understood myself.

PRO TIP: WATCH WAITING TO EXHALE AND LIVE IN THE
SOUNDTRACK

This is for when things get really messy, as they did for me in my early twenties
when I couldn’t wait for my Greek-Mexican beauty school dropout to break up
with me, and then would do anything to get him back.

In Waiting to Exhale. Angela Bassett plays Bernadine, who sets her husband’s car ablaze, lamenting all the times she put him first, making herself the background to his foreground. She didn’t pay for his beauty school, but she did become his secretary. It’s the scene that created the term “Angela Bassett moment,” an epic declaration of self worth that I wanted for my mother and for everyone who realizes they got
played. As I watch, I start screaming, and I can do every word. “But the worst,
oh the fucking worst,” she says, ripping his clothes out of his closet, only to later
light the cigarette that will set them and his car ablaze.

It’s the moment where you reclaim your sanity by going insane, the burst of
clarity that comes with blind rage. So, let Angela have it for you, breathe in the
smoke from the car, and move on with her out of the bushes.

PRO TIP: GIVE YOURSELF THE FULL TINA TURNER EXPERIENCE

What’s Love Got to Do With It is, of course, based on Tina Turner’s memoir, I,
Tina. I prescribe the Tina combo when you just want the pain to be over. You are
about done with the nutty, even though it was supposed to be over months ago,
and your instinct for independence needs a shot in the arm.

Watch Angela Bassett play Tina finding that fire within her to go from her lowest to being Tina freaking Turner. She tells a divorce judge that she doesn’t need anything else but freedom and her name. “I’ll give up all that other stuff, but only if I get to keep
my name,” she says defiantly. “I’ve worked too hard for it, Your Honor.”
Cut to me watching it for the fifteenth time, screaming, “Goddammit, give
me my name! I just want my name.” When I had my divorce, I went back and
watched Tina. I still had my name.

PRO TIP: CUSHION THE BLOW WITH SOMEONE ELSE’S BODY

It’s always beneficial in a breakup to have somebody else lined up. I really like
to move right in and have a Plan B, C, D, and E in place before Plan A has
expired.

As you go about this, your best game is honesty. Tell Plan B exactly where
your head is at. “Do you want to be here? Yea or nay?” I don’t even say, “This is
a rebound.” Don’t even put that much weight on it. It’s just fun. Tell them it’s
like hooking up with someone on vacation. Staycation sex.

It’s on them if they think they can change the situation between you to create
a lasting arrangement. Let them try, but at least you were very clear about your
motivation from the start.

As you refocus your energy on someone else’s privates, you save yourself
the drudgery of going over in your mind what went wrong. Bitch, you know
what went wrong. Unless this is your first guy, you’re not that clueless. By your
early to mid-twenties, you’ve been through this a few times, so you gotta know
there’s a common denominator in these equations—and it’s you. I, like many
women, know what the hell is wrong with me. Whether we choose to do
something about it remains to be seen.

I know a lot of people talk about closure, “giving yourself time to mourn.”
Ehhh. Let’s not play these games. I think the whole “pussy moratorium” thing is
just some puritanical garbage to keep women chaste. I see it all the time in
Hollywood. After the end of a relationship, an actress or famous woman has to
publicly announce that her legs will be closed until further notice.

Like some exorcist has to come in to flush out the demons from her vagina. Potential
suitors, please wait until the little old lady from Poltergeist comes out and says, “THIS HOUSE IS CLEAN!” You will hear, “You really need to work on yourself before you jump right into something else.” Oh, please, who’s got that kind of time? I got shit to do.
I’m trying to work, I’m trying to get home to watch Scandal, and I’m trying to
get it in. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow, and here I am using this time to work
on myself.

By the way, you can work on yourself and still have sex with someone at the
same time. Or at least around the same time. Your pussy and brain don’t have to
take turns. Besides, there’s a bunch of hours in the day. You can actually get to
therapy and go on a date on the same day.

Bonus Pro-tip: Booze Pairings to Heal Heartache

I will keep this short in case you are already reading this book at a bar. There
are only two options for drinking your pain away after a breakup: red wine or
tequila. Never mix, never worry.

Choose red wine if you’d like a warm hug and maybe a nap. A Malbec is that
slightly bitter pal who rallies to say, “There, there, we’ll get through this.” A
Cabernet is a model of efficiency, drinkable with a high alcohol content. With all
of its varied flavors, Pinot is the one who’ll encourage you to keep a sense of
mystery.

But if you want to skip all that and just get to the point where you fuck one
of his friends? You go tequila all the way. I prescribe straight, no chaser.
Either way, first round is on me.

Long, I know but worth it. I did not put in everything but what I felt was relevant with the subject.

Grab yourself a copy of We Are Going to Need More Wine and indulge yourself in this exciting and educating piece.

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I Fell for It Again….

There are some people who like telling the same joke over and over again to a point where its no longer funny.

There are some people who go through the same situations over and over again but still do not learn.

Then we have people who keep doing the wrong things over and over when they know its wrong.

You are probably wondering where I am going with this. It has been said over and over to always listen to your instinct or gut feeling when you are not sure of something but how many actually do this?

Usually when faced with an issue you are most likely going to ask your friends, workmates, family for their advice on the matter even when your intuition is telling you what to do.

Three Signs In Male Fists Saying Stop, Wait and Go Isolated on a White Background.

I, for one, usually ask my friends and I have learnt the hard way not to. Situations vary with people or the person you are dealing with and cannot be treated with the same remedy.

Now let me get to the gist of the story…I decided to date someone, yes finally I chose to be in a relationship after a long time, unfortunately or fortunately it did not last long because I fought my intuition when It was telling me not to do it.

Long story short I experienced part two of what happened three years ago when my ex boyfriend failed to play his game well and clashed with his side piece. It took me a while to get over that scenario and just when I thought it was dead and buried in 2016, 2018 taught me another lesson.

This time around it was clumsier and really wished for the ground to open up and swallow me. He took advantage of me being at a place where I knew no one but myself.

He disappeared twice that night…First, he allegedly kissed a girl..I am sure you are asking yourself why it is alleged, this is because I did not see this but heard it.

Secondly he disappeared for 15-20 minutes with a different girl. Imagine how I felt, I was angry, I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream but I walked out.

Till this day I am in shock, I have been in denial about what happened. I do not know what happened in that room and would like to keep that way.

The relationship was only two weeks and I still have flashbacks of what happened. Writing about it should make me feel better, it hurts to have people ask me and I have to explain the story which sounds almost like a joke or movie over and over again.

What I learnt from this: to always listen to my intuition. From the word go I doubted this nigga but still went on with it. I asked my friends and they persuaded me to go for it because I had been single for long.

Sometimes the guidance you or I receive from our loved ones might not be the right advice at all, in fact it is better for us to listen to what your gut communicates.

One may be asking right now, how do I know this is my intuition speaking?

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Clinical psychologist Sarah Schewitz states, “Intuition is that sneaking suspicion that you feel when something is not right but you can’t put your finger on why.

“Intuition can be a powerful guiding force and is more developed for some than others. Some people feel a strong urge or sense in the core when something is wrong while others, with a less developed intuition, might feel a small inkling that they aren’t really sure how to interpret it.

“Some people are born with a strong intuition and know how to listen to it from an early age whereas others develop their intuition or tune into it as they grow a stronger sense of self-confidence. The more that you love and trust yourself, the more in touch you become with your intuition.”

Lesson learnt for me, share your thoughts on this post with me.

 

 

How Soon is too Soon to say I Love You?

Ever said I love you to someone and have them just stare at you or receive a thank you?

Often I meet guys who recklessly tell me they love me right after they have seen me or after texting back and forth for a few days or a month and it freaks me out ! Those three words carry so much meaning for me and to have someone just say it is total disrespect.

This has happened numerous times and really got me thinking, how soon is too soon to say I love you? Saying I love you should come with comfort within the relationship after getting past the feelings of lust and longing.

Being in love is not about seeing someone with the perfect body or perfect eyes or with a great flow of conversation but it is about knowing someone inside and out and still accepting them with their flaws; now this is when one can say I love you guiltless. ( My two senses)

According to Rachel Shatto putting yourself out there and telling someone what’s in your heart makes you incredibly brave, but also vulnerable, so if you don’t get the answer you’re hoping for, it hurts.

I am sure your next question is , how do you know you are ready to say it? Alessandra Conti, celebrity matchmaker at Matchmakers In The City, says to follow your partner’s behavioral lead. Even if they haven’t expressed their feelings verbally, if they are behaving like the relationship has legs, it’s likely safe to declare your love.

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According to Conti, things to look out for are “if your partner has been consistent in their affections with you, has [officially labeled the relationship] status, and you have spoken about the future.” If you spot these signs, it’s likely your love “is ready to hear what you are feeling.”

Moving forward, if it so happens that you do say the words and do not get a response don’t dismay, it’s not the end of the world, if anything do not be negative about it, play it cool and give your partner time to process it and see how it works out. Otherwise if you are really unwanted in a relationship you will know it and feel it.

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So before working on this post, I asked a few people what they think on the topic and these were their thoughts:

  • I refuse to accept a declaration of love while i’m still pretending like i don’t like money
  • To me it feels like an act you know, like do you really know me to say those words… People should not just throw them around
  • I had a guy who just loosely said the words before even actually getting to know me properly and if never felt quite right ,my gut feeling told me to run, and with time it became clear to me that he said it cause he thought that’s what l wanted to hear but he didn’t know how to prove he loved me in his actions ,so yes l do believe there is such a thing as too soon -we shouldn’t just abuse those words they are too special
  • Those words are over used. Many people say those words when really what they mean to say is that they are in intense lust rather than in love. I don’t think you can know enough about a person in just one week to know that you love them.
  • I think its also too soon but then you have people who say love at first sight

What are your thoughts , can the words be said at anytime? When can one safely say I love you?

 

 

Messy Break-Up…Not the End of the World

A broken heart is the worst, its like having broken ribs; nobody can see but you feel it every time you breathe.

After a break-up moving is almost impossible. The pain is unbearable and days are longer than usual. You cry incessantly and can’t seem to see that light at the end of tunnel.

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Image from Pinterest

At some point you get over the grieving stage but you still cannot move on. Your trust has been broken and not only can’t you let someone in but you have built a wall to protect your heart. You do not even trust the decisions you make yourself.

You find yourself getting comfortable in being single and sipping on that glass of wine to make you feel better.

I engaged a few ladies to find out some of the reasons why it is difficult to move on after a break up.

  • Speaking on behalf of a friend she was in 4 year relationship with her dude and he started cheating and all and they broke up. She always thought he was the world cause he was light and hot and she thinks she’s ugly so she will never get anyone better. Everything was fine communicating and all and they were always together and boom he cheated. It took her 2 years to get over him but she always compares other guys to him and if she’s pretty enough to find new love.
  • So it’s just insecurity and losing hope.
  • Some become radical feminists after a heartbreak especially for those who were really faithful and all.
  • Trust when broken is had to gain back
  • Some just give up or take a break or whore.
  • Sometimes after a break up you just build a wall to protect your heart, you are scared to get into another relationship even though a part of you wants to give it a try

However at some point you are going to need to open up to other opportunities. People are not the same, how will you know if you do not try.

  • It starts with ignored messages then talking less frequently,suddenly you just don’t care what they’re doing because they’ve taught you not to. You’re tired of wondering why you care so much when they can’t be bothered to talk to you. You’re done trying to figure it out. They’ve lost you for good.
  • You need to stop comparing.
  • There are no deadlines. Trust the process and understand that your adjustment can be as gradual as you need it to be. It’ll happen as you become ready for it.
  • Give love a chance its hard but i loved what Phat Joe said “i wont stop crossing the road because i got involved in a car accident “

Here is a song I love to help you move on and open up for love…

Kissing Etiquette Tips

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Proper kissing etiquette will make sure that you make the perfect impression with your partner. Kissing is such a sensual act and it is critical to get it right.  Use these tips to make it a moment to remember.

Some people get stuck in the mindset that the best place for the first kiss is the doorstep. This is all based on society’s portrayal of dating. The best place for kissing is wherever it happens naturally. If the right moment is in the elevator, in the car, or in a movie, the kiss will be far more memorable when you follow your instincts.

How do you know if the other person is ready to kiss or not? A lot of it has to do with their body language. If the person isn’t facing you or avoiding to look you in the eyes, there is a good chance that they do…

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Dangers of Pity Dating…

Have you ever dated someone because you feel sorry for them or you are afraid of hurting their feelings? You really know that you do not want the relationship but the person is just too good to disappoint? That is called pity dating !

People have different reasons for doing this cruel thing but truth of the matter is there is no good reason for partaking of the act.  Not only does it prolong agony,  if that person has feelings for you, it also gives them hope where there is none.

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Once you are involved in a such a relationship, it is difficult to break it off because every time you want to pull the trigger its either an aunt has died or they are just depressed in some way and you really do not want to make things worse. Next thing you know its year of wasting someone’s time, I have had my time wasted before and would not recommend doing it anyone.

People go on dates to discover romantic compatibility and build something special together. The fact is that if you are going on a pity date with someone (regardless of who asked who), you are wasting their time. If you already know you are not interested in someone, let them go on a date with someone who is.

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Some people go on pity dates to “help” a person get back out there after a bad break up, rejection, or even just to boost their confidence. Regardless of your supposedly good intentions, don’t go on a date with them.  In the end, you’ll be doing more damage than good.

When someone you’re not interested in asks you out on a date, don’t say yes. It doesn’t matter if you are both available, you’re bored, you think they’ll pay for it, you’re seeking unattached intimacy, or whatever your reasoning might be. They want to go on a date with you because they are interested in you as a person and you should only agree if you feel the same way. Don’t say yes to anything less.

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Pity dating can also escalate to pity sex. You really know you do not want to have sex with person but men can so smooth, you even feel bad for drinking a six pack of savannahs or eating pizza and give it up, pity sex huh…Many people have sex because they think they “should” rather than because they actually want to. This can be a kind of guilt-induced sex.

To avoid all this, just be honest with someone. The hurt they will feel is way better than the hurt you will cause them when you agree to date and break it off after a few hours or days or weeks let alone a year !

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Best Gifts Come in Small Packages…But Why Can’t Small Packages Be good…

Best gifts come in small packages, this is a common proverb normally used in explaining the quality of things, but this post really is not about the gift you are thinking of.

Ever meet a guy that is physically not your type but could just be the perfect boyfriend? Or he is perfect, everything you have dreamed of to find in a man but you just don’t like him, then you know what I’m talking about.

The only time I relate to the statement ‘Do women really know what they want’  is in this instance. The nicest and most humble men are the ones we turn away, when he shows too much interest we tend to be turned off. Are we really into the bad guys that seem unavailable but are available?

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To be honest I can really be put off the way someone talks, eats or dresses even though he’s the most perfect guy. When I say perfect I mean he knows what I need and when, he knows what to say, how and when, he texts back immediately, he calls to check up on me, he knows what to buy, what I like; In a nutshell I don’t have to point out certain things to him but I still find myself saying I don’t like the pettiest of things about him. Sounds mean right, but this actually happens.

Does the best package really have to small and less appealing, why can’t it be small and appealing, why should there a compromise to confuse and give me a headache.

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According to a website titled Independent CLICK HERE If you often get turned off when someone is too into you, it probably comes down to your issues with intimacy. Sorry.

When someone is keen, it’s a sign that the relationship has potential to progress.

Ever freaked out when you’ve been seeing someone for a few weeks and it actually starts to look like it could turn into something real? Yeah, guilty.

Kahn says when you pull away, you’re just protecting yourself from the possibility of being hurt. “In fact, some people can find safety in being rejected, because it’s more normal for them.”

However, being too keen can be a turn-off. It can, of course, just reek of desperation. You don’t want to date someone who is so needy and has so little going on in their life that they cling to you.

It shows maturity when someone is independent, and being too keen can be interpreted as being needy.

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CLICK HERE states that the truth of the matter is that deep down, a part of us all feels unworthy of love. A part of us is insecure about our value. So when someone comes at us showing interest, we assume they have a lesser value.

It’s such a common occurrence that one partner loses interest the second the other partner shows equal interest. We see that as a red flag, but to put someone down for liking you is only putting down yourself.

According to Kahn, you might be able to work out why you bolt from a relationship when someone starts showing interest simply by looking back at past ones and trying to work out why you reacted like you did.

Share with me your thoughts, what can one really do to overcome this weakness of pushing away the ones that clearly and genuinely show keen interest in us?